from plate glass to building a mosaic...

Sometimes we get stuck into a false routine. I’m not talking about the day-to-day routine. I’m talking about the routine that comes with waking up and facing your life’s “timeline”. My timeline once consisted of finishing high school, completing an undergrad degree, getting engaged, getting into teacher’s college, getting married fresh out of teachers college, buying a small home, building up equity in the home and seniority at work, having children, refinancing home to buy a larger home, and there we’d live happily ever after until retirement, where my Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan would be there to support me until I passed away…the ‘life routine’ has worked for many. Not me. It’s taken a LONG time to get to this point: the point where I’m OK with that.

My timeline got to finishing teachers’ college in 2005, and then I veered it WAY off track when I gave a man I loved back his engagement ring. My career stayed on track and I even found real love again a few years later. Both teachers, we married in 2009, and all was peachy and my so-called timeline seemed to be back on track. I wanted it to be back on track, but sometimes, wanting something isn’t always enough. I was balancing everything and trying to make life work. It was like carrying bricks on top of a fragile sheet of plate glass. The plate glass represented a beautiful life, and the bricks everything I loved or cared for.

You can deny it all you want, but when change is needed, you know. You just know. You try to make relationships work, but when they aren’t supposed to, or at least aren’t supposed to right now, they won’t. I was at a point earlier on this year, where my only option left was to let go of that fragile piece of plate glass. The weight of everything just got too much, and I knew I had to restart. The bricks…were fine. They are bricks after all! People who matter won’t just go away even if you’re afraid they will! Everyone I cared about may have hit the floor in shock, but they’re okay! The glass, however, shattered. BUT not to worry…

My life, it seems, wasn’t supposed to be that beautiful piece of plate glass, free of scratches or dents. When I let go, yes, the glass shattered…but there is something that’s more beautiful than the sheer of glass, at least to me anyways. Picking up the pieces, things started to take shape and rearrange themselves…they continue to do this every day. The pieces aren’t even clear anymore…they take the colour of where I’ve picked them up. Things aren’t going back to where they were; they aren’t supposed to. What is beginning to develop is a collection of beautiful colours and textures of a mosaic. All pieces shine, none are the same.

Looking back, there isn’t a single decision I regret making. Now separated, I am proud of myself and my husband, as we are living life while moving forward, although apart. Looking back again, I have my husband (yes I know we’re separated, but referring to him as my “ex” just isn’t the right word for him), to thank for being the rock he is. His support for my move to go into the beginnings of financial services and to Abu Dhabi is unprecedented, and I know I would do the same for him.

So, I have a few days left. I cannot believe that I’ll be saying goodbye to my family, friends, and country. If you find yourself reading this, please know that you too are part of this mosaic. Don’t worry about your piece…I’m going to find the perfect place for it to shine with the rest.

xo

Thanks be to God

“May God bless you” is what she said. Words not out of the ordinary for a Catholic Sunday mass. This time, however, it was said with watery eyes, and with more conviction than I have ever heard. My mother wanted to come with me for at least one last church service before I made my trek across the world to Abu Dhabi. Delay after delay I am still here, but being able to go to mass this morning with my mother made the wait so far worth it, I just hope that I don’t have to wait much longer.

Everyone has pain in their life. Some is left in the past; some is carried with you and comes out at unexpected moments. Whenever I see young children, twinges of regret can seep to the surface. I’ve made the choice not to have children. It has not been an easy one to make. And it wasn’t always a choice. That is for another chapter of my story. Today when I saw young children in mass, the regret seeped to the surface and then stopped…and seemed to transform. When I looked at this one young girl in particular, what used to be twangs of envy that she wasn’t my own, I saw myself. I realized my mother was looking at her as well. I might have been completely off, but I’m usually very good in realizing what people are thinking. My mother was standing beside her little girl who was about to leave her for the unknown. I could see her longing for time past when I was really her little girl, at about the age of the angel in front of us. Times might not have been happy for our family in my younger years, but I felt her yearning for them. Perhaps I do too, but I’m glad to have had those memories and I’m excited to move into the next chapter…

For this opportunity...Thanks be to God.

How did I get to this point anyways?

This year started off fairly negative. If there was one thing I had in mind for 2013, it was to make drastic changes. As soon as I started making some simple changes with little risk, things seemed to move fast. I knew that I wanted to volunteer. I knew that I wanted a different career path.

Becoming involved with The Bridge and a financial services company sure got things moving! I used to volunteer with McMaster/St. Augustine’s, and before that,  St. Josephs’ Villa a number of years ago. I’ve been looking for another place to volunteer, but I had certain conditions…it had to be far, far away from reminding me of certain situations. Working with men who are trying to make dramatic changes while transitioning  from prison life back to the community fit my need. When I arrived for my first visit, I got nervous. A woman in her early 30’s in the bad part of town? Working with ex-offenders? Alone? Oh boy. I was nervous walking in. It was if I was sitting on a teeder-todder, my status was on the ground, and I felt vulnerable. I was worried that I had to be on the defensive-a natural reaction to the environment? After briefly speaking with, the executive director (he had a few words of encouragement for me!), I realized that I was completely off. He asked me not to be too offended if any of our clients made any off colour comment or joke about women…some of these men have been hurt in the worst way by them. All of a sudden, the teeder-todder switched position; I was rising with the strength of the clients. I realized that I wasn’t the vulnerable one in the situation. Our clients are, and we are here to support them.

People often ask how in the world did I come across an organization like the Bridge? I guess I would have to think back to last fall when my brother got back in touch with one of our ‘old’ managers from McDonalds. It was great to see all of us down different career paths from our beginnings at McDonalds. He had invited my brother and I to a gala that was coming up to raise money and awareness for the Bridge. A great family friend of his was the chairperson of the board, so he himself got involved with the organization a few months prior. It was an amazing gala listening to Shannon Maroney, a survivor or a terrifying relationship. She spoke passionately about Restorative Justice practices. There were also videoclips of previous Bridge clients telling their stories of how the Bridge had changed their lives. I didn't quite know how at this point, but I was going to get involved with the Bridge. A few months passed, and I decided to take my cooking skills into what was needed for the Bridge, and hence became my involvement with the Tuesday night Dinner and Discussion program. Cooking was only half the battle. The first night I remember being completely nerve wracked by being accepted by the guys. They welcomed me with open arms and gladly shared their experiences even though I was a stranger to them. I was then on board to preparing meals every other Tuesday, and loved every experience.

OK, that’s the Bridge…so how did joining a financial services company come about? Remember that manager? Well, let’s rewind back to the gala for the Bridge…my first question to him was, “so how’s life after McDonalds?” I’ve never seen someone so passionate and happy about what they do on a daily basis…we were already Facebook friends, so our conversations in addition to his posts had me curious. My brother and him kept in touch, and finally, after losing around 3 of his business cards, I decided to send him an email in January and we got together for a coffee. I loved everything that he had to say about this company. Teaching was getting exhausting and frustrating. I didn’t have much of a life outside of my classroom, especially this past year, with this particular group of students. Taking on this career opportunity part time struck a chord with me, a hint of independence from the classroom as you will. I thought how incredible it might be to start part time, and then see where it might go into the next school year. Later that week, I attended the first Saturday training session, and signed agreements to join! Working for this company months later, I still see the excitement in the manager, myself, the partners, other people in the company, and of course, our clients!

I bet you’re thinking, OK, I see how the Bridge came about, and maybe now even financial services…now you’re moving to Abu Dhabi. Wait...what? Did I miss something? Working for a financial services company on commission is a completely different way of working. I had to think outside of the 9-5 way of thinking (which was fine, these hours were still being taken up from teaching). So, I decided to turn to networking. Having being a representative for Pampered Chef in the past, I was very familiar with how important it was to network with similar minded individuals to build a personal brand. My LinkedIn profile was updated, new skills added, more connections made via social media, meetups, group networking; if I saw an event that I could go to, I went. One online connection I made was to an individual who had formerly been on the Hamilton Chamber of Commerce as well as many other groups. I joined one of his online networking groups and he sent me a request via LinkenIn. I thanked him for adding me, and he suggested skills I should add to my profile. One of them was ESL (English as a Second Language). Even though I may not have the specialist courses yet, there have been a number of students in my classroom over the years that have come from another country speaking different languages. So, I added the skill, hey, why not?

Working for a financial services company, I started to get emails from other financial services companies in attempts to recruit me. I knew better than to reply, usually just deleted them. One evening (this particular evening I recall coming home from the Bridge having just being interviewed for a seat on the Board of Directors), I got another recruiting email. I was just about to delete it, but something told me to open it…it wasn’t from another financial institution. It was from Footprints, and a man named Sean Harris was about to become another very important person in my life. Footprints is a recruiting company that hires Canadian trained teachers and places them in various places overseas. This email was an invitation to apply for a new area for Footprints: Abu Dhabi. I had to look it up so see where it was! The more I read about the UAE, the more I was in love. I went to school the next day and talked to a few staff members about it. They were surprised that I hadn’t applied yet. I applied 2 days after I got the email from Sean Harris. I had never considered working overseas before in a realistic way. My life was changing, even more so than what this blog is allowing to express at the moment…and working overseas suddenly made sense. I wondered briefly how I was picked up from this company…adding skills like ESL put my profile up in front of the international recruiters! My only worry at that point was how in the world was I going to tell my family and friends?

What I did know was that it was going to have to be one on one, and in person if possible. When you say to someone, “I have something to tell you, but it has to be in person” automatically puts red flags up…most thought something must have been wrong in the context that I knew them. The Executive Director of the Bridge thought perhaps that something had come up on my criminal reference check that I was undergoing. No, I do not have a criminal record. My dad’s first thought was that I must have been expecting. No, I am not pregnant. My sister, who through the financial company applied for life insurance the same time I did, figured that something must have come up during the underwriting and that I must have been sick. No, I am not sick. So taken together, I laughed at the assumptions of being a sick pregnant criminal. All were shocked, but supportive.  Many said that they would take advantage of the opportunity had they been in my shoes. Bravery, courage, and fearlessness were put forth as new qualities for me…I don’t feel any of these. I am just thankful for the new lease on life that seems to have been granted to me, and I owe it to myself and supporters to find out just who this Cara Tabron is.

My point of this blog is two-fold…one was to hopefully explain the connections between the events in my life this past year to try and make sense of it. Many who know me seemed to be thrown for a loop with all of my announcements...it seemed every other time they saw me, my life was moving somewhere different. The second is to hopefully bring across that saying goodbye to those in my life, especially those from the Bridge and our financial services company are particularly hard as many individuals from them have left such a huge impact in my heart in such a short period of time. 2013 was going to be my year of change. Changed it has.

"You never had either child of mine, but...."

OK, so today was a little rough…but it's nothing a few Kleenexes couldn't fix and I’ll never forget it. I knew that the administration had planned something a little different for those of us who were leaving the school this year, but this wasn't a thought that came to mind.

The entire school gathered in the gym today after lunch. We had a 1:45 dismissal, so we as a staff were all looking forward to having the kids dismissed from the gym and not having to hold them under lock and key in our own classrooms!

The kids were starting to settle, the staff and students took their seats. Our principal and vice principal took the lead and thanked God for our students and teachers, and to keep them safe over the summer months. The music started. We were told that a special song was going to play…and my apologies I can’t remember what it was! If any colleagues are reading this, please comment as to what it was. Our principal announced that he was going to ask those who were leaving to come up to the front. The first of us got up. She went to shake the hands of our principal. Rather than a handshake, it was a dance…

I was second, or at least, I think I was. The emotions got the better of me. I was trying to make everything go into long term memory. Thank goodness someone reminded me to get a Kleenex before this all started. “Mrs. Schmitz!” was announced. My students hooted and hollered…the one time I was happy to have the LOUDEST class in the school J I started to make my way to the front. My principal took the lead and we shared a waltz full of thanks and inspirational messages and gratitude. I was whisked away to my vice principal who welcomed me with open arms and pride. I almost made it with only watery eyes. I waved to the student audience and made my way to the side where a colleague was red faced and tears in full force. I had to join in and lost it. We looked on to others who were leaving as they got their special waltz too. Some have been with us a shorter time than others, but all extremely valuable to the students, ourselves and the school.

A few of the older students were shocked…I was blessed to have some of them come back after a few years to give me a hug, shed a tear and wish them and myself good luck. Many of them going on to high school this year… they have their whole life ahead of them; and for the first time in a long time…so do I.

We clapped for the grade 8’s, 7’s, 6’s and so on…so proud to be part of this school culture! Outside, more tears from students as they hugged their best friends, proud parents in their cars waiting for their kids, and teachers swelled with relief and excitement. I've had beautiful comments and cards of encouragement from students, staff, and friends. It’s funny what sticks out at the end of the day. After one of the many hugs, I looked up and saw a mom on the other side of the fence. I had never had either of her children, but my husband and other colleagues had. She looked at me and said, “You never had one of mine, but I've heard great things, and I know that they’re losing a good one here….” How many tears do you have to shed to dry your eyes?

I can’t wait to go…but I can’t wait to be back either. I hope that somehow, God has the grace to give me the opportunity to see two students I wasn't able to see today. Both were special students of mine, and for reasons beyond their control, they weren't able to see their friends the last day of school. God, keep them safe.

So, that’s my ‘goodbye’ story from my school, but I know it’s really a “see you later”. I am sure our paths are meant to cross again later on down the line… During the next month and a bit I will be having other goodbyes. Some I’m ready for, others I am simply not. They say it takes a village to raise a child. My village has been huge for this little girl and it’s about to become worldwide as there is going to be more raising of me out there in Abu Dhabi. If you’re reading this, thank you, for you are part of my village and integral to my world. I couldn't be more blessed or thankful <3

last day of school...in Ontario

Tomorrow is the last day of school for us here in Ontario. I started saying goodbye to my students yesterday, and I look forward to the last few memories that we can create tomorrow before I go...around the world. Today I told them that I wasn't coming back, and in fact was leaving for a place around the world, to Abu Dhabi. There was surprise and a few tears, and some laughs as some struggled to say the name of my new home and we laughed at our mispronunciations.

Over the years, I've had a number of students come from other countries and were "baptized by fire" into the Canadian culture. From Venezuela, Cuba, the Dominican Republic, Korea, Poland, and Africa my students came here to assimilate. Now, it's my turn to be thrown into the middle of another culture and experience the shock. I've never been more excited, thrilled, and terrified all at the same time.

There are so many questions! I have faith, however, that we can learn from those who are already there and things will work themselves out.

I will keep this entry short for tonight. Things are getting real and my head is still trying to wrap itself around this incredible change in my life. I have my family and friends to hold onto in spirit as I embark on this adventure on my own...here we go!